22 July 2011

The Lie: Of course you’ll be good-looking when you grow up. Your mother’s good-looking, and so am I.

The Truth: Neither of them will be good-looking when they grow up. Their mother is good-looking, it’s true, but I am not. Sadly, it would thus far seem that their physical characteristics have been inherited largely from me: the severe brow, the misshapen nose, the thin hair, the unpleasant appearance. Looking at my kids is like looking into one of those fun-house mirrors that makes you look really short (and unattractive).

On the flip side, their faces also serve as constant reminders that they’re definitely my kids, and not some other guy’s, which is occasionally something I take pleasure in knowing.

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20 July 2011

The Lie: No, actually, I didn’t think your babysitter’s top was “cute.”

The Truth: I thought it was incredibly cute. I just don’t like the idea of my impressionable young daughter thinking it was cute. At her age, “cute” should comprise little more than baby ducks and Hello Kitty merchandise.

Also, I don’t care for her use of the word “top.” She’s eight – it’s a shirt. Women only refer to it as a “top” in contexts with vaguely sexual overtones, as when preparing for a night out in which they anticipate having alcohol purchased for them by men. It is my fervent hope that my daughter is never a participant in any such conversation.

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15 July 2011

The Lie: You made that at pre-school today? It looks great.

The Truth: It looks terrible. I can’t even tell what it’s supposed to be. I never can. I always just ask if it has a title and hope for the best. (Usually it’s something pretty on-the-nose, like Grocery Store, so I’m in the clear.) Why are both of my kids so useless at art? I can draw things, sort of. I’m relatively good at Pictionary. Michelle was always horrible at it, which I suppose I can file under “Michelle’s shortcomings that I found adorable until she passed them along to my children.”

Also, whose terrible idea was it to elevate macaroni to the status of art medium? It’s not even that successful as a food. It’s good with cheese, but everything’s good with cheese.

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8 July 2011

The Lie: If you don’t bother the bee, it won’t sting you.

The Truth: Nobody ever “bothers” bees, but people get stung all the time. Who ever sets out to deliberately antagonize a bee? Not even my kids are that dense.

Bees, on the other hand, have been deliberately antagonizing me my entire life. They sting me constantly, for no good reason whatsoever, and without any warning or provocation. The whole of beedom apparently has some misguided vendetta against me. For my kids’ sake, I hope it dies when I do.

I also hope said death won’t come by bee swarm. But it wouldn’t surprise me at this point.

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6 July 2011

The Lie: I want to hear all about your day.

The Truth: I don’t want to hear anything about their days. I hate hearing about my kids’ days. They’re always such tiresome reports, filled with trivialities and petty dramas. Some person I’ve never heard of was “being mean,” or some other idiot wouldn’t share the markers, or snack time was marred by the absence of the right kind of juice. Who cares?

You kids want to hear about my day? I spent three hours at the auto repair shop waiting for them to fix a part of the engine that I didn’t even know existed. And then I had to have lunch with some guy friend of Michelle’s who’s been bothering me for the last year on Facebook. Why would my ex-wife’s friends still want to hang out with me? If I divorce my wife, shouldn’t I get to divorce her intolerable friends too? This guy works in data processing, but he’s thinking of opening a macaroon shop. Spare me.

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3 July 2011

The Lie: Eat your vegetables.  They’ll make you grow up strong.

The Truth: They have nothing to do with your strength or lack thereof.  They’re marginally related to your “growth,” inasmuch as the absence of basic nutrients may stunt it, but you’d probably be fine eating pretzels and string cheese all day as long as you took your vitamins.

I’m inclined to tell my kids the truth on this one, but I’m concerned that “your vegetables contain magnesium, which promotes enzyme health” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.

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29 June 2011

The Lie: Ben & Jerry’s is grown-up ice cream.  You wouldn’t like it.

The Truth: Ben & Jerry’s is damn expensive.  You’d both love it, and you’d become addicted like I am, and then Messrs. Cohen and Greenfield would be impoverishing me three times as much as they already are.

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27 June 2011

The Lie: I don’t care what grades you get, as long as you tried your hardest.

The Truth: I desperately care what grades they get.  It’s vitally important that they excel in school and go to an excellent college, where they major in either business or some advanced field of science (and avoid the humanities at all cost).  The future success and affluence of my children is my sole retirement plan.

With each report card that comes home, I grow more and more resigned to my impending destitution.

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