The Lie: I want to hear all about your day.

The Truth: I don’t want to hear anything about their days. I hate hearing about my kids’ days. They’re always such tiresome reports, filled with trivialities and petty dramas. Some person I’ve never heard of was “being mean,” or some other idiot wouldn’t share the markers, or snack time was marred by the absence of the right kind of juice. Who cares?

You kids want to hear about my day? I spent three hours at the auto repair shop waiting for them to fix a part of the engine that I didn’t even know existed. And then I had to have lunch with some guy friend of Michelle’s who’s been bothering me for the last year on Facebook. Why would my ex-wife’s friends still want to hang out with me? If I divorce my wife, shouldn’t I get to divorce her intolerable friends too? This guy works in data processing, but he’s thinking of opening a macaroon shop. Spare me.