27 February 2012

The Lie: We should wait to see it until it comes out on DVD, because then we can watch it more than once.

The Truth: We should wait to see it until it comes out on DVD, because then I don’t have to watch it at all. I can just hide behind my laptop under the pretext of having to answer some e-mails, reassuring the kids that “yes, I’m paying attention” as necessary, but secretly doing everything I can to shield myself from the cacophonous assault of loud noises and seizure-inducing CGI that apparently passes for a children’s movie these days. The worst ones are when the film in question is an adaptation of a picture book, in which case the standard sensory bombardment is amplified in order to distract viewers from the clunky, logic-defying plot you inevitably end up with when you try to make something long and complex out of something short and pithy. How many narrative disasters will it take for Hollywood to realize that you can’t squeeze ninety minutes of screen time out of a book that takes ten minutes to read? It’s like Danny DeVito putting on platform shoes and a stovepipe hat and declaring himself tall enough to play for the Celtics.

Speaking of DeVito and his increasingly questionable choices, if Dr. Seuss could’ve seen the trailer for this new Lorax movie back in 1971, I’m pretty sure he would’ve burned his manuscript to prevent the whole debacle. Forget speaking for the trees – why isn’t there a fuzzy little creature who speaks for the source material?


  1. Alexis says:

    My kids got a Fireman Sam DVD (british claymation bullocks) at a garage sale and it’s been the bane of my existence since. The shelter of the laptop is not sufficient to protect me from the cacophony that is Fireman Sam.

    The main character of the Lorax is the Onceler. Let that sink in for a second. THE ONCELER. Either this is the first kids CGI movie in history that has a sad ending or this movie is going to blow.

  2. Cari says:

    Yes, I’ve “seen” Cars 2, eleventy hundred times but never really seen it. Couldn’t even tell you the plot line and Mater could kick the bucket for all I know. I really should pay attention to what my kids are watching.

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