The Lie: That was your new best friend? She seems nice.

The Truth: She seems abhorrent. Every September, without fail, Olivia manages to befriend the single most intolerable child in her class, resulting in my having to endure several months of abject torture – incessant questions, off-key singing, depletion of my snack supplies, etc. This latest one, Kacy, is a real terror. Just the other day, as I attempted to pick Olivia up from school, Kacy (a regrettable name for a regrettable child) accosted me without provocation and demanded to know why, if I’m a dad, I’m so young-looking. Another father might’ve found flattery in her question, but that would be to ignore its more insidious implication: that I’m woefully inexperienced, obviously irresponsible, and generally unfit for parenthood. While all of this may be true, I take umbrage at my qualifications as an adult being impugned by someone who’s only been out of diapers for five years. (And I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt on that one.)

Fortunately, these dubious friendships tend to unravel by late autumn or early winter, at which point the parasitic locust for whom Olivia had so recently professed unending affection falls out of her favor, presumably then moving on to deplete some other father’s snack supplies.