The Lie: Um… the tooth fairy might’ve been a little too busy last night.

The Truth: The tooth fairy might’ve been a little too drunk last night. As I realized upon hearing my daughter’s despondent wail this morning, my recent habit of enjoying a Deadwood episode (or two) and a glass of bourbon (or five) before going to bed isn’t necessarily conducive to remembering to perform all of one’s late-night parental responsibilities. It’s probably best I forgot, though; Olivia’s despair upon waking up this morning a dollar poorer than she anticipated being was surely less traumatic than it would’ve been to be roused from her slumber at 2:00 AM by her bourbon-addled daddy fumbling awkwardly under her pillow.

The kids are at their mother’s tonight, so maybe the tooth fairy will redeem herself on Michelle’s watch. I’m sure I’ll get an angry phone call from her once Olivia relates the disappointing episode, but I remain hopeful that the unpleasantness of being chewed out for my incompetence as a father will be offset by the comfort in knowing I spent one less hard-earned dollar on an infantile ritual of dubious origin.