The Lie: No, I’m sorry, Tucker has to stay at your mother’s. I’m allergic to guinea pigs.

The Truth: I’m allergic to the concept of pets that don’t do anything besides eat and defecate. Merely thinking about housing and feeding a guinea pig, or any other domesticated rodent, makes my eyes get watery and my nose start running.

What’s the point of a pet that just sits in a cage all day and doesn’t contribute to the well-being of the household? Cats keep your home free of vermin, and dogs provide security – or, if they’re too little to be intimidating, they at least jump on you when you get home, which is somewhat pleasant. The rest of the so-called “pet” options (i.e. rodents and non-mammals) exist solely to make you have less money. I’ve already got two children who serve that purpose.

(Mind you, Olivia and Troy have been clamoring for a dog for some time now, but until they’re old enough to walk it on their own, then I’m allergic to that idea too.)