The Lie: No, you can’t change your name. Your name is beautiful.

The Truth: Her name is not beautiful. As much as I love my daughter, I don’t think I’ll ever warm up to the name “Olivia.” I find it off-putting. It has the tendency to remind one of olives – which, while delicious, are also slimy and green and unattractive.

I’d never been a fan of the name, but I thought it best not to argue with my six-months-pregnant wife when she woke up one morning claiming that she’d dreamed the baby had arrived – a girl – and that we’d named her Olivia. Once we learned that the gender was indeed female, Michelle insisted it was “a sign,” and my much more reasonable suggestions were dead in the water.

(In retrospect, I’m tempted to wonder if she’d gone in for a secret ultrasound, thus allowing her to hand-pick whatever horrible name she wanted.)