The Lie: No, eating toast won’t give you cancer.

The Truth: It probably will. Everything gives you cancer these days. It used to be just cigarettes and sunburns, but now it’s bottled water, deodorant, cell phones, barbecues, microwaves, drinking coffee, not drinking coffee, processed food, genetically-modified food, and food in general. Being a parent in the 21st century means reconciling your instinct to feed and nourish your children with the knowledge that whatever you feed them is inevitably going to give them cancer.

Why is there so much more cancer nowadays than when we were growing up? Nobody in my grandparents’ generation died of cancer – they all died of comforting-sounding things like “old age.” The only way my kids are going to reach “old age” is apparently if they consume nothing but broccoli and green tea from this point forward. (And even if I were to enforce a draconian diet at home, I can’t prevent them from engaging in risky behavior when they’re with their peers. What’s to stop them from meeting other kids under the bleachers after school to eat toast and drink bottled water?)