The Lie: No, I won’t install games on my iPad. I don’t have enough memory.

The Truth: I have plenty of memory. However, I also have plenty of memories – memories of expensive electronics that have been dropped and/or destroyed by my children. My last two phones have found their way into the toilet (once by Olivia’s hand, and once anonymously), and my laptop has had several keys removed by someone who I can fairly assume was not an authorized service technician. If I installed games on my iPad, it would be little more than an invitation for my kids to use it, and, in doing so, to inevitably drop and/or destroy it.

Their mother is planning to get them pre-paid cell phones to have in case of an emergency. I’m eager to see whether or not those end up in the toilet, which should finally clarify whether my children are truly maniacal or merely clumsy and unintelligent.