The Lie: Yeah, I’ll take those baby-proof latches off the cabinets one of these days. I just haven’t had the time recently.

The Truth: I just haven’t had a death wish for my son recently. The fact that he’s old enough to understand the concepts of “poison” and “fatal” is completely immaterial; he’ll take one look at those blue, yellow and orange liquids under the sink and guzzle the first one he can get the cap off of.

Before the advent of outlet covers, baby gates, etc., there must’ve been plenty of children who met untimely ends due to their own suicidal impulses (or, as a better parent than me might phrase it, “healthy curiosity”). Had he been born a few decades earlier, I harbor no illusion that my son wouldn’t have fallen victim to this messy brand of natural selection. Modern technology is ushering in a whole generation of kids who haven’t ever really demonstrated the ability to not kill themselves.